Funny Dog Quotes

Technically, the title should say “Quotes About Dogs” since we can’t directly quote our dogs — even though we can often tell what they are thinking! There is nothing better than a pithy quote on one of our most beloved topics: dogs. Here are a few of our favorites.

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”

Groucho Marx


“Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window.” 

Steve Bluestone


“If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.” 

Will Rogers


“Handle every situation like a dog. If you can’t eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away.” 

— Author unknown


“In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn’t merely try to train him to be semi-human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog.” 

— Edward Hoagland


“I don’t think twice about picking up my dog’s poop, but if another dog’s poop is next to it, I think, ‘Eww, dog poop!”

Jonah Goldberg

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Pexels (CC0), Pixabay
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around — that’s their job!”  

—-George Carlin


“You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.”

Harry Truman


“Dogs never bite me. Just humans.” 

Marilyn Monroe


“In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.” 

Derek Bruce


“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”

Ann Landers


“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.”

 — Phil Pastoret


“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.” 

Bernard Williams


“My cats inspire me daily. They inspire me to get a dog!”

Greg Curtis


“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”

— Dave Barry


“No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as much as the dog does.”

— Christopher Morley


“The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man’s.” 

Mark Twain


“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like, never washed a dog.” 

— Franklin P. Jones


“Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!” 

Anne Tyler


“A well trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.” 

Helen Thomson


“I once decided not to date a guy because he wasn’t excited to meet my dog. I mean, this was like not wanting to meet my mother.” 

Bonnie Schacter


“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.” 

Sue Murphy


“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well, almost.” 

Charlotte Gray


“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: The mail man is not to be trusted.” 

Sian Ford


“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” 

Andy Rooney


“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”

John Grogan


“To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.” 

Aldous Huxley


“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.” 

Rita Rudner


“When an 85 pound mammal licks your tears away, and then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.” 

Kristan Higgins

dog, cat, animals
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